No, there's no scurrilous rumours here, just a wealth of useless and sometimes comical information about the hidden lives of the people in the Buckley world that we all know and love. Well, thought we knew and used to love. Yeah, enjoy.
The wonderful world of #JBuckley
The 'Davidson' letters
It started out as a good idea... the Scandalous Buckley Tales...
(as usual... coming soon...)
The 'Davidson' letters
His identity shall remain secret, although I think you all know who he is. The names of the victims have been changed to protect the humiliated...
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 10:30:50 +1000 (GMT+1000)
Subject: Re: JBEL: Several Thoughts
On Tue, 15 Jul 1997, S*** N****** wrote:
> Hey lovers.....
> How is everyone? Hmmhmm, I mean everyone, including the listee
> sitting in back playing with the zipper on his chords......
I've just got my panties stuck damnit! *fiddle mutter grumble* damn
embroidered roses! *mutter curse* *gets out scissors* Yeeeeooooww!
> Geez i sure am glad someone told me this was not a dating service. I
> was about to tell all of my friends to come join and meet other
> people!!!! (sarcasm...sarcasm)
SWM fabric fetishist requires anyone to come up and touch him. Enjoys
long walks on beach in unusual costumes, candlelit dinners for five and
strenuous outdoor activities "bullshit!" (who said that?) Only those with
pigtails need apply.
Woke Up In A Textured Place:
I've had three people now tell me they've had dreams of corduroy. Dream
I need a tab of that song people. Open G. Get to it! I'm offering
exhoribant quantities of illicit substances. I have no pride left!
Newsflash, from www.cnn.com, "Police have identified suspected serial
killer Andrew Cunanan, one of the FBI's 10 most-wanted fugitives, as a
suspect in the slaying of fashion magnate Gianni Versace." I guess the
fashion police have been sent in to investigate.
A minute's silence is in order. A sad day for Spring Textures.
Love and dark fabrics,
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 11:25:58 +1000 (GMT+1000)
Subject: Re: JBEL: white v neck ts and other catastrophes
On Wed, 16 Jul 1997, N***** G****** cried in desperation:
> Any suggestions on how to get a vague but sexy Taurean male with a
>pathological fear of commitment into a relationship. oops.....I mean a white v
>neck t shirt???
Okay I did this one at a communications seminar recently. If you ask
somebody to do something once, you get a 15% buy-on. If you persist, you
get 45%. If you get them emotiaonally involved, 70%. If you incorporate
your desire into their belief system, 85%. That's a lot of work, so
here's the one I like. If you make them believe physical pain may result,
it jumps in excess of 95%.
I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that 76% of all
statistics are completely fabricated.
> Sagittarius with Gemini Rising, Moon in Pisces and Venus in Scorpio*
Okay, the only Sagittarians on this list seem to be myself, C******,
N***** and M******. Is that spooky or what?
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:24:28 +1000 (GMT+1000)
Subject: Re: JBEL: 24 hours to remember.....
On Fri, 18 Jul 1997, K****** C*** delved into sociology with:
> Hi Im new to this list and not really sure if Im doing it right,
There are plenty of good guides explaining the ins & outs of oral s... oh,
you mean POSTING? Ooooohhhhh *blush*
> M***, unfortunately I fear most humans do not have a clue. It's not that
> the human race has lost the plot, they just havn't found it yet but more
> people are starting to understand now.
I developed a plan for world domination a while back with a bunch of like
minded friends. We give everyone in the world a "common sense test".
Anyone failing would be shipped off somewhere far away from all us cool
people (were I not here, I'd suggest Australia would be about perfect).
Of course we then extended it to include all children and grandmothers who
still think hankies make a delightful Christmas present.
Just thought I'd share.
Incidentally, it was the same group that kicked off the 1995 World
International Pool Pony Surf Challenge. But I'll leave that story for
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 03:38:30 +1000
To: 'Mates don't let mates wear corduroy'
Subject: JBEL: Message from the Jeff Buckley social convenor
Anyone looking for useful JB information, as usual, skip this one.
I've just managed to pick up my mail. After trying the Brisbane server
(twice), Townsville (twice), Newcastle (3 times) and Melbourne (4
times), I managed to score a connection! Whoever designs hotel phone
systems doesn't have my modem in mind. Mind you, the last time I was at
this place I fried my last modem, so I guess it's not bad progress.
Oh yeah, thanks for the 263 messages that have turned up in the last 3
days. I beg you, if you're replying personally to someone, the other
300+ of us aren't likely to be enthralled, and if you do decide we may
be, for Corduroy's sake, trim the message and the footer of what you're
replying to. Some of us have to wait for this stuff to download.
No-one has posted anything about the little musical gathering we had on
Sunday down here in sunny Melbourne (cough), so I thought I'd jump on
in. Once again, my faith in human nature has been restored by meeting a
bunch of truly awesome people. We had A**, M******, B**, K*****, A**,
L***, G*****, K***** show up. Noshows were N***** (where were you my
dear?) and M*** K**** (like we expected you to turn up the morning after
your formal!) I was unbelievably impressed with A**'s piano skills
(wow) and G*****'s perfect pitch (double wow).
I gaff taped M****** (guitar god extraudinaire) to a chair and weedled
WUIASP out of him. Apart from the timing of one transition I have that
sucker nailed. After my Mystery Funny Boy tour of Melbourne has ground
to a halt I'll share my scribblings for all to try. Many thanks to
K***** for loaning me my guitar during the rest of my stay (hello
M******l surged with testosterone as he proved conclusively he could not
only play the Fm Gm progression to Grace well, but he could do it behind
We also worked on WWYS, Lover, Eternal Life (Sin-e version) and
marvelled at L***'s "woah" screamed out at 8:23 of The Way Young Lovers
Do. Afterwards, M****** risked marital disharmony to join A**, L*** and
myself at a dingy little jazz club in a lane somewhere. We had a rather
wierd German pianast inform us he was a Marxist (Groucho), and shared
with us numbers such as "five athletic Norwiegan sailors looking for a
parking space". I'm still chuckling. There was the obligitory
double-bass (biggest goddamn guitar I ever saw!), and M****** and I have
a suspicion the finger picking dude was not man enough to attempt to put
_that_ sucker behind his head.
I'm waiting to see A** play the intro to Grace with the piano perched on
For the record, although I am endowed with one nipple more than most, I
have found it exceedingly difficult to pour any of them into a champagne
glass. I have a suspicion I could manage a shot glass, and will share
details with you as they come.
Now some musical ramblings M****** and I discussed. I've always been
impressed with Jeff's composition. While my musical theory is at best
woeful and at worst sadly lacking, Jeff uses a lot of truly
out-of-the-norm notes in his progressions. Where exactly does he get
the inspiration for the intro to Grace... how does it fit? How does he
sit down with the words and then orchestrate Last Goodbye? That thought
process I would love to understand.
Melbourne people, Wednesday night, Standup at the Prince Patrick. I
think that's the deal. N***** was supposed to have this one under
control, but she's gone to ground, so call me on 0419 583 329 sometime
Wednesday for details.
There seems to be some interest in the Melbourne people for a trip
Northwards for the first leg of the Come Up And Touch Us tour in Sydney,
Aug 2, and all these people need is a car and some place to stay. So if
anyone wants to help out ... get thinking.
Anyhow it's 3:30am and Letterman is over, so I'm going to make like a
newborn and head out.
In the words of the great S***** G******, I love you all. *squeezes
himself into a boob tube and stands admiringly in front of a mirror*
Love and textured substance abuse,
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 1997 00:16:26 +1000 (GMT+1000)
Subject: Re: JBEL: Where is everyone...?
On Tue, 22 Jul 1997, B***** walked right into it when he wrote:
> What??? Only 20 messages today? Is this possible? Am I still on the list?
> Hmmmm... *HeeBeeGB smells a rat =o/
For your information there are two ways to post to the list.
I hope this clears things up
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 1997 15:36:29 +1000 (GMT+1000)
Subject: Re: JBEL: Drinking and nipples and pie, oh my!
On Thu, 24 Jul 1997, S**** B*** G****** caused me to keel right over with:
> R****'s superfluous nipple increases his suckling potential.
Okay, now, I had a related rambling on another net-medium earlier this
year, so I think I might share.
Warning: Anything below the line of nipples may cause offence.
No Jeff content below (besides the fact we've all seen his
nipples in the So Real video, huh?
All flames should be directed to email@example.com.
(.) (.) (.) (.) (.) (.) (*) (*) (.) (.) (.) (.) (.) (.)
LET THE DEVIL WEAR BLACK, FOR I'LL HAVE A COAT OF SABLES
Firstly let me start off by stating this is grossly politically incorrect.
On behalf of myself, I am ashamed and disgusted.
Now with that out of the way, I want to share with you all a little
something that has been musing me for some time now.
I work in the resources industry, and a few of us were considering the
relative market values of various commodities. We were trying to come up
with, in real terms, the most precious material known to man (and I use
the phrase advisedly).
Diamonds are expensive, granted. But frankly, they're pretty damn
useless. Gold likewise. Various radioactive isotopes are expensive and
functional, but their function is limited to the select few who are either
very stupid or very sick (or both). Some of the new composites coming out
of research laboritories around the global village are all well and good,
but it'll be a good few years before you and I get our mitts on them, no?
*Breasts*, boys and girls.
Nipples to be precise. Now guys, how much hard earned lettuce have you
thrown down for a pair of those nipples? Sports cars and diamond rings
are one thing, but have you sat down with your check book stubs lately and
had a *look* at what they've cost you? A different league entirely.
Now, selflessly in the interests of scientific endevour, I've thrown
myself headlong into the research of this breathtaking issue. I'm going
to be conservative here and say the average nipple is 1.5 inches in
diameter (if anyone would like to provide measurements, legitimate medical
survey, dodgy anecdotal advice, holiday snaps, I'm willing to stretch my
estimate to match my statistical base). [editor's note: since writing
this, I have found an actual nipple survey, and I wasn't far off the money
To be honest, I'm not sure if I can rest until I have datasets from even
the furthest ice encrusted poles of the earth.
What you're paying for here is 3.53 square inches of the world's most
prized, most valuable real estate. Get those bank records out boys and
collectively weep. You thought your first car was expensive - all over
the bay of Hong Kong there are millionaire playboys on pooldecks hewn of
finest Italian marble wishing they could afford enough nipple just for a
pair of gloves. Or a beret in the latest perky fashions.
So I was at this big rock festival yesterday. 23,000 people. Now I'll be
conservative again and say 40% of them are female. 9,200 delightful young
ladies each sporting an average of 3.53 square inches of devil's foodcake
bring us to the startling figure of 226 square feet (21 square metres for
those of us not so metrically challenged).
At this point I went a little woozy.
(more to come...)
Scandalous Buckley Tales
Yes folks, it's the WORLD FAMOUS Scandalous Buckley Tales. At the moment the page is still under construction, but hopefully soon it'll have some semblance of order. Until then, here's a massive text dump of the current cast list. Oh, and if you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to mail.. um.. someone... anyone... Thousand apologies for all the names we misspelled, are uncompleted, or for any descriptions that are just way too far out. There are still a few uncompleted ones down the bottom, so the usual rules apply. You got a good idea, send it in. Enjoy.
CAST LIST : ACTOR - Character - Description
CLAIRE DANES - Marie-Helene Savard - The skill displayed by Danes at only 17 years of age, in portraying the leader of Scandalous Buckley Tales is irrefutable. Her stern demeanour and courteous leadership are exactly what are required in playing a leader of this calibre.
ANDIE MCDOWELL - Kirsty Dodsworth - Truly the doyen of the Buckley world, 'Snappy', as she is affectionately known, is the loveable protagonist, always quick to defend her friends and condemn her enemies. Dodsworth is skilled in this role, her natural warmth and enthusiasm fit well into the part, despite the occasional appearance of a character trait known to some only as 'Seb'.
CHRISTIAN SLATER - Sam Guthrie - Age seems not to have wearied the veteran Slater, in this, his seventh acting role, and first in a series. His natural warmth shines through in the lovable part of the young Guthrie. While posessing a quick wit, Slater still manages to maintain a caring outlook from Guthrie towards everyone.
DAVID DUCHOVNY - Marcus McSomeone - Feared by many, the quick witted Marcus is the antagonist extraordinaire, often matching spurs with the cheeky Davidson. Duchovny in real life is quite a generous personality, however the immense effort and depth he puts into the character of McWhoever is clearly evident.
MADELINE STOWE - Ali Danis - The talented, famous actress Stowe adopted a stage name to take on this role, that of the eclectic architect Ali Danis. Often isolated by both location and emotion, the naturally flirtatious Danis is a skillful piece of work from Stowe, who revels in the role. Honesty and an often all-consuming voraciousness for her male counterparts immediately identify Danis from other members of the cast.
RONALD/NANCY REAGAN - Mel/Kent Crawford - The dual acting team of the Reagans put in a great deal of effort into playing the part of the transsexual Crawfords (often referred to as Skibelsk, Klement, or Melskibelsk). The ability to interchange between the two actors is extraordinary, as each is able to fill the role of Crawfords with wonderful ease. It is a difficult role, however these two definitely play the part with gusto - the singer/student/queen has immense depth of character and immediate charm.
NICOLE KIDMAN - Susannah - Kidman slides naturally into the role of the redhead Susannah with a graceful ease. Her appearance lends to the redhead's placid, contemplative nature, swinging with little notice to a fierce passion - a character trait which Kidman performs with a consumate understanding of human nature. A successful photographer and artistic designer, she is a strikingly seductive career woman with high ambitions accompanied by subtle undertones of machination.
UNKNOWN ACTOR - John Golsby - Actor SOMEONE clearly puts a lot of himself into the role of Golsby - he is quiet, reserved, quite often enigmatic, something that is clearly evident in his character. Not much is known about the character Joornon, aside from his venerable nature and eccentricity, as is the same with the actor playing him.
MICHAEL BOLTON - Michael Harris - The famous musician Bolton plays a private detective specialising in interpreting music structure in this, his first acting role. The transition from music to acting has been difficult for most, however not Bolton, who uses his musical knowledge to enhance the inquisitive nature of the Harris.
MEL GIBSON - Rohan Davidson - Michael's faithful sidekick, and junior assistant Rohan is played with flair and exuberance by new face Gibson. His musical knowledge is surpassed only by Harris in the cast, and as such his character provides a solid base to the detective work of Harris, if at times appearing a little wet behind the ears. The energy and misogynistic traces of humour exhibited by Davidson often land him in hot water with many of the women in the cast, however he is often saved by a wit comparable only to Marcus, with whom he often spars.
WILL SMITH - Shan Niroolan - An eternal romantic, Shan is the light that shines outside the window of every girl in the world. His flair with language and open heart are an immediate beacon to all female folk. Rumours of a liason with another character abound, however Smith is remaining tight lipped as to who his character has fallen in with. A native of India, Smith's mysticism and charm add natural flair and emotion to the eclectic Niroolan.
CARRIE FISHER - Leah Reid - Academy Award winning actress Fisher lends genuine warmth and emotion to this role, coming off her award winning performance as the woman on the phone in the So Real filmclip. She plays a Los Angeles record company executive looking in on big opportunities in the record industry. Cat has a very wide scope for advancement in personality and character development as new opportunities arise.
COURTNEY LOVE - Nadia Sani -
DONNA SUMMER - Angela Chiew -
RU PAUL - Chris Paola -
LEONARDO DICAPRIO - Ashley Brideson -
TIM ROTH - Andrew McDougall -
HARRY CONNICK JR - Lyndon Cronan -
GARY OLDMAN - Dan Fowell -
SELMA BOUVIER - Kelly Allen -
KIMBERLEY DAVIES - Tracey Parsons -
ADRIANNE SHELLEY - Audrey Roofeh -
NIGEL KENNEDY - Jennifer McCutchan -
LISA LOEB - Naz Marbou -
COURTNEY COX - Karen Weisser -
BRUCE WILLIS - Mark Stephenson -
EMMA THOMPSON - Gayle Kelemen -
DREW BARRYMORE - Serena -
BRIDGET FONDA - Eliza Polly -
PAMELA ANDERSON - Rebecca Bower -
EVAN DANDO - Nate True -
ISABELLE ADJANI - Cathy Baumann
ROCH VOISINE - Stephane -
Current Plot Ideas:
* Rohan gets rich after he opens his own corduroy factory and then invests all his money in a Woke Up in A Delicious Place breakfast restaurant but Kirsty, the head cook, burns all the pancakes and the place has to close down, and Rohan becomes a street musician.
* Sam and his band rise to stardom, but Sam doesn't take the pressure of popularity that well... fortunately the list is there to help him out and he takes us out on tour with him because he loves us all so much.
* Naz and Nadia and Marie find their true loves (in three separate episodes) naturally, Nadia and Marie will be shown in every episode (not because they're more important, just because the viewer will need some kind of consistency...there will be so many characters that they will need us two to
make sure he/she's watching the right show).
* Shan has been begging for a mass orgy episode but Marie wants no part in that, pretend her character is away when that episode comes (she's such a virtuous lass).
(from the pen of Shan : )
Well, the results are in.....
"<_Nadia> hey marie, episode 16: TWO WORDS -- MASS ORGY":
Taken straight from the conversation on July 16, 1997.
This episode will be my emmy award winning script. The rest will just win all of the ace awards.....
Latest News :
Nadia - from all good things come... SPIN OFFS! I think that Corduroy Inc. (destined for a short run, but very bitchy) will be going into pre-production soon.
And guess what - I bags Kimberley Davies to play me. YAAAY. Well, we are so similar, hehe. Someone equally blonde and willowy will be required to play Bec.
Millions of hugs,
And the director says, we'll call Heather and ask her to come down to our studios for a screen test. But it's hard to cast her as you with her pregnancy and all that. Unless you'd like to be a pregnant Michael Harris.
Director, Buckley Film Studios
One Buckley Type spin off coming up!!! But of course we must ask the Corduroy mogul (ie, Rohan) if he would kindly lend us all the corduroy that we need for the show.....
Director and pool player extraordinare, Buckley Film Studios
Tracey, the good news is that Kimberley will get to wear a power suit made of corduroy. The bad news is that we have to somehow work with our costume designer to design a fire-proof corduroy power suit.
What's the problem here you ask? We don't have a bloody costume designer!!! But no worries, Tracey/Kimberley, we are getting in touch with that bloke who did the latest Batman movie. Marie's calling Mr Schumacher now even as I, er, type.
Regards and sleazy Melrose Place type love,
Co-director and Co-producer
The Staff in charge of the Scandalous Buckley Tales is proud to announce that a network has been chosen to air the first 24 episodes of the series. After many days of meeting with networks and trying to get the better deal, we have finally signed a contract with the Totally Jeffed Network, also known as TJN. We got an excellent deal, but TJN asked us to cast David Duchovny as Marcus instead of Matthew McConaughey ( i think he's crunchier anyways....). Secondly, we would like to announce that Mr. Shan and Mr. Brideson got a promotion as President of the Scandals Department and Head of the Poetically Enclined Creative Department, respectively. We would also like to announce that the creative department is working on the characters as we speak, and as soon as they are given a credible three-dimensional personality, we'll start working on the plot. It's never too late to ask for casting changes, feel free to mail us.
You can always drop by the SBT office on dalnet, the adress is #JBuckley. We would also like to thank our official caterer Serena for the delicious Mint Slices.
Marie-Helene (with Nadia's guidance)
Co-Producer and Co-Director
So Real Studios